Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
