peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
