It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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