Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
