I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
