my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
