My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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