god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
