its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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