got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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