I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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