Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
