The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
It's Friday. Sex?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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