You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
