I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
