can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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