from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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