My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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