who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
