I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
