see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
