And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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