New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
