Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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