If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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