It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
