Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
