What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
