Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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