Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
