I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize