I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
