One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she peed on how many people?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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