that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
