my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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