Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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