I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
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This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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