What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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