What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
