Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
