Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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