Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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