I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
