Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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