I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
