shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize