i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
