You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Dicks are not precious.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
