I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize