the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
