Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
