My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
