Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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