My room smells like vodka and shame
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Randomize
