i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
