So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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