My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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