we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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